Last weekend professor Sherry Turkle wrote an article for the New York Times that elicited 307 passionate responses: The Flight from conversations. Her main premise is that “We’ve become accustomed to a new way of being “alone together.” Technology-enabled, we are able to be with one another, and also elsewhere, connected to wherever we want to be. And yet we have sacrificed conversation for mere connection.”
I guess she means connection only as superficial interchanges through electronic mediums. Here we differ. For me there is no “mere” connection. Connections are what keeps the tapestry of life strong and healthy. Brené Brown defines connection as "the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship." Wholehearted conversations (through whichever medium) are what takes us to genuine connection.
Although her article points out a legitimate concern, that concern is not new, and the culprit is not the medium. The medium is only a tiny part of communication. The main problem is that at the same time that we need connections, we also fear them. Leaders can not influence and lead without cultivating strong connections. How to build connections is what I want to share with you today.
Building strong healthy connections
Intent
Building connections requires intention and purpose. In your busy life, you have to have a clear intention of making connections if you are going to give any time to it. Then you can make it a point every day to start building those connections both through electronic means and in person.
Time
Strong connections develop over time. They are not achieved overnight. You will get what you are willing to put into the relationship. You have to be willing to stop multi-tasking and give your attention to the person you want to connect with.
Respect
Avoid disrespectful words and actions. Listen without interrupting. Answer texts without interrupting with your own concerns. Respect the time of others and their needs.
Exchange
Connections require mutuality, give and take, a flowing exchange. Give without expectations and ask for what you need. Share what’s happening in your life, if you need special support, what benefits you can offer and which ones you expect. What challenges you need help with.
Authenticity
Show yourself as you are and accept others as they are. Don’t walk around with a mask. Certainly electronic mediums makes it even easier to hide the real us. But if you make others feel comfortable and not judge them, it will be easier for them to also be authentic.
Discovery
What people say, the words that come out of their mouth, is just a tiny fraction of what they are communicating. Discover the real message which has more to do with why the conversation is happening. You can discover together the real meaning, the value, if you listen carefully and share purposefully. You can also discover the questions that concern you both and the issues that perplex you. Keep inquiring of each other until you can be sure you understand each other. One of the greatest gifts you can give is the gift of listening to gain a greater understanding.Vulnerability
Real connection requires humility and the willingness to be vulnerable. Unfortunately too many of today’s leaders have been trained in authority and certitude first. Acknowledge what you don’t know. Be honest. Share what you think and feel in a way that builds connection. Connection is made when we can share and relate to the universal struggles we all face and are honest about it.
Another perspective
I was touched reently by a TED talk by Nancy Lublin: Texting that saves lives. Her talk speaks to how the same medium of texting can be used in a meaningful way, in a way that makes genuine connections. Ms. Lublin points out the power of texting as a way to be in touch with real-time data and critical issues issues, as a way to deeply connect and affect lives. Listening to this 5 minutes talk is time well spent. Listen and tell me what you think.
This talk made me think of alternative ways to connect. For example, what if every leader had a business texting hotline with one designated person to receive and distribute to the proper person urgent messages from clients and workers? How would this contribute to a more connected organization?
Digital mediums are not the problem. They can serve important purposes. The problem is to forget that face-to-face conversations are also needed to deepen and strengthen the connection. The "sips” of online connection, as Turkle calls electronic interactions, can serve as "appetite wetters" for deeper in-person connections. We feel more strongly connected when we can look the other person in the eye and receive the full force of an open heart.
Remember. . .
It’s through mutual sharing that connection and bonding develops and takes shape. Truth, honesty, openness serve as the cohesive materials that make up the connecting bonds. Lead the way to open your heart to connection and people will follow you.
Photo by: The U.S. Army