When people need to work together to make things happen, and there are misunderstandings and conflicts, the solution is not to keep silent. That will only make the problem worst. Even though we have heard many times that “silence is golden,” there are many situations in which it isn't.
A story about silence
I was working today with a group of people in a very high pressure job where the only way they can make things work in a timely manner is if they constantly collaborate with each other as the demands shift. The problem is they don’t do that, because each of them has taken a corner of the work for themselves, and have a hard time reaching out for help.
In talking together about the issues they confront, I kept hearing things like:
“If we could work together we could probably find a way to do it.”
“I’m curious about how much quicker we could accomplish things if we could work together.”
“If we could work together we could find better processes.”
When I probed into why they don’t seem to be able to work together there was a very long silence that nobody wanted to break. That is precisely the kind of silence that is not golden.
When I was finally able to help them start talking, one of the issues that came up was that there were several people that did not talk to each other, even though they worked only a few feet away. Others talked only when they were so annoyed that they started screaming all their accumulated frustrations. And nobody was talking to the supervisor or other administrators. The whole experience graphically illustrated once more to me how harmful silence can be.
Golden or yellow?
The other day I came across a phrase that I could not track back to its origins. "Silence is not always golden --sometimes it is just plain yellow!" I thought it was a great way to capture my thoughts. If you keep silent, you're kind of taking a cowardly approach, because you're not communicating. As a leader, when you see communication problems among your people, keeping silent and hoping they will “get over it” is not a courageous strategy.
Karen Marie Moning said: “Silence isn't golden, it's deadly. It's a vacuum that fills up with ghosts.”
Nowhere is this more true than in the workplace. Leaders beware!
Silence is not golden. . .
when you need to ask for help.
when your feelings are hurt and you need to clear the air.
when someone is doing something wrong and you need to confront them.
when your people are in conflict and need you to step in.
when someone is being wronged.
when an unethical situation is happening.
when your opinion is needed.
The more I think about it, when it comes to relationships, there are only two situation I can think of in which silence IS golden: 1) when someone else is talking and you need to listen and 2) when you are very angry and your words might be harmful. In that situation, your silence is golden until you can regain control of your feelings. At any other time, it’s much better to address issues and practice open communication.
Remember. . .
Saying nothing, especially when emotions are involved, is akin to handing others a blank slate that may be filled with the script that can unfold in their minds. Instead, your well-chosen words as a leader can bring clarity and relief to all.
Have the courage to create a work environment where every person feels it’s ok to speak up.
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Photo by: Katie Tegtmeyer